A Conscious Reality

July 5, 2007

I’ve had several false starts this week.  Beginning to write and then stopping.  I think I’ve wanted to write, but I’m not sure.  My focus since returning from our honeymoon has been creating a healthy kitchen and active lifestyle.  Taking my writing to the next level was also a goal, but somewhere I veered off course.  It began with my email to Michelle, a writer that gave a workshop at a retreat I went to early in June.  I didn’t stay for much of the two and a half day retreat, but I made a mental note that I liked her and perhaps we could work together on my writing. 

We began emailing from my home in NY to Michelle’s in Maine.  I liked her feedback.  Her comments were more than technical know-how and allowed me to unearth even more than I thought possible.  Michelle’s suggestions were un-invasive; I didn’t feel like she was trying to change my voice- and she even kinda got me.  Now this, was someone to keep around.  Looking back, it seems I was looking for a mentor-type, someone that could carry me into the next phase of my writing and I thought Michelle could develop into that person with time and the trust she was earning.  We spent about a week before I decided to write another story, one that was more clear & precise, I thought.  In one of our first emails, Michelle told me that one of the hardest lessons she had to learn was that of brevity.  I didn’t go as far as telling Michelle how fast a learner I was- I figured I would show her.  So I sent the next story, proud of my new work- only to get back a long response and a page full of red ink. 

It was difficult to look at the page.  In fact, it took over a week to review it, and even now, I haven’t fully digested it.  I’m beginning to see so many of my thoughts and actions the same as they had been when I was in elementary school.  How could it be?  Hadn’t I come so very far from those days?  Haven’t I changed?  Had life changing experiences?  It seems that 20+ years later the same hard-wiring was at work on me.  I was still that little girl wanting the “teacher” to see that I am smart, and I learn really fast, and that I could learn whatever new skill she was willing to teach.  I was also the same little girl that took to heart when the “teacher” even as gentle as Michelle was, suggested I try it another way.  Another way?  There was no other way in my book.  I became upset and sad; my life’s work down the drain.  Of course I didn’t really believe this but I did sulk for a bit wondering if all the writing I’d done was crap.  I knew it wasn’t; I know that my message needs to come out the paper (or screen), I know the value of the process.  But for a moment, I got caught up in what it “should” be.  The messages I sent myself through these self-defeating thoughts were if you can’t write in this new way, then maybe you need to stop and re-think this whole writing adventure.

And yet throught this time, I knew that these insecurities were just that- insecurities, but I couldn’t get past them; couldn’t get past enough of them to sit down and write and press the publish button to send my story into cyberspace.

So I sit here now, again, writing.  I don’t feel so brave, but giving up is not an option.

Filed under: Stories on July 5th, 2007